He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
