you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
