You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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