I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
