She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
