Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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