I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
