I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
