On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
