I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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