is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
