This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
