checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
