I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
