I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
