but the lizard people decide everything anyway
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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