someone threw a dead crab at me
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
