when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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