my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
