If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
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