enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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