So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
