Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm passing your future prison.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
