Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
