found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
