Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
