my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
