I met the friendliest cop last night
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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