tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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