Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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