Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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