Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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