Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
