Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
