"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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