maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
please don't ironically join a cult
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