I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
