You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
