I wish life had little blips of pornography
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I will pee on everything he values.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
