I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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