I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
