The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
