worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
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He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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