dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
