i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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