i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
