hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
