If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
