Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
