Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
