Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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