I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We left the knife in your bed.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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