the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
