My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
