Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
